Can't Seem To Make You Mine
by X-valmont-X
Summary: Shigure struggles to accept that Hatori is emotionally wounded beyond repair and is incapable of loving anyone anymore, trying to come to terms with this is tearing the dog apart, but he can't let the dragon know, even though he needs to. *eventual lemon*
1. Look Out For Hope

**I don't own fruits basket, or 'cant seem to make you mine' by the clientele. I don't make any money from this. **

**I hope you like this one....i should update Sunday. Let me know what you think of it, and if you have any ideas for how this can continue.**

**X-v-X**

In the silence of the garden  
Moss arising on the wind  
And the beast is pondering love love love  
'Till the rusty nail grow dim

I can't seem to make you mine  
Through the long and lonely night  
And I try so hard, darling  
But the crowd pulled you away  
Through the rhythm and the rain  
And the ivy coiled around my hand

So I lingered with the people  
In the silent August glade  
But the rain has brought the night  
And the night has brought the rain

He sat across the table from me, his large hands wrapped around the small cup as if trying to warm themselves from the tea inside. Sighing deeply he looked up at me his one good eye staring deeply into both of my own. When Akito took his sight away, he took a vital part of Hatori that would never be replaced.

"good tea, Shigure" his voice was flat, no emotion lived there anymore.

There were a million and one things I could have said in response to this, ranging from simply thanking him, to hollering at the top of my lungs that he finally admitted his love for me. I chose neither. He was only complimenting me on my teat to be polite, I did not want to thank him for his manners, and he would never admit his love for me. Not really. He no longer possessed the ability to love, his heart was cold, if he still had a heart. Akito had stolen that from him also, and in the most brutal of ways.

I looked down at the table, not wanting to look at him anymore, not wanting to long for him the way I did. I turned my own cup around in circles with my restless fingers. As much as I enjoyed his visits, they also upset me. I had feelings for the man sat across from me that I could never conceal, deny, or stop. The thing that wounded me most was that he knew all of this too well.

"how are Kyo and Yuki?" his voice cut through me like a knife, it sent shivers all through me, how I wished he didn't have this affect on me anymore, yet it was as potent, if not more, than it was when we were younger.

"they're fine, doing really well actually. My house is still in one piece, which is always a good sign!" I smiled broadly, yet it was an empty expression, a counterfeit.

He nodded looking around him and noticing that there were no signs of any recent repairs to the walls and doors.

"good" he took another sip of tea. "and Tohru?"

"she's good too! You know her! Such a beauty!" I gazed dreamily at the ceiling. I was very good at pretending to be my usual excited self, I almost convinced myself sometimes.

"hmm" he looked at me disapprovingly.

I wanted to laugh and tell him not to worry, that he knew all too well that I truly had eyes for only two people in life, yet my reminding him of this would cause an argument, or an atmosphere at best. So I just acted stupid, whilst another piece of me died inside.

He looked at his watch.

"I need to go" he stood so fluidly that I almost didn't notice.

I nodded, wanting to wrap my arms around him like I had done only once before and take him with me to my room, to remind him that he was worthy of love, worthy of all of the attention I could possible lavish upon him. yet I held back; wary of his temper, of his delicate temperament and the thin line he trod between coping and wishing to die. Hatori was at the bottom of his spiral.

I followed him to the door.

"ne! Haa-san! Bring Aya over soon! I haven't 'seen' him in a while" I winked at him as he grumbled something indecipherable.

"he still hasn't recovered from last time" he looked at me, and for a fleeting moment I saw life deep within him. look out for hope*, I told myself. Look out for hope.

He walked to his car, not looking back at me like I wished he would. It was dark outside, the winter was well and truly settled in. I worried about icy roads, about snow and about him deliberately not finding his way home tonight. I tried to shut such thoughts out of my mind. Yet he was always there, always lingering in my brain with Ayame, the two were everything to me, and I missed having them both so close to me terribly, it tore me apart. But my Hatori, my dragon, who had been my whole world, left with kana.

I walked to my study. The house was deserted empty of the life that the youngsters bought to the four walls, with just me in it, the place was shrinking, closing in around me and yet at the same time it felt so large and open that I felt agoraphobic. Sliding the door open, I found the unnatural glow of my laptop to be the only light in the room, it was enough.

I took a seat at my desk, reclining on a stack of books and looking up at some glow in the dark stars that Tohru had bought for me almost exactly a year ago. There would come a day when I would realize that he would never be mine, in all of the world there was only one person who he could love now, and she didn't even know.

I sighed deeply, we truly were cursed. I suspected deep down inside of me, that I only loved him because he would not love me back, because it would hurt me and that was the idea of a curse after all.

My eyes closed of their own accord, not because they didn't want to see, but more because they did. My thoughts flashed back to the one time we were truly together. We were younger, he was yet to meet kana, yet to suffer losing her. We were in a candle-lit room, incense burned heavily filling me with rich aromas mixed in with the smell of him, his skin close to mine, our bodies meeting in the middle as we were truly one with each other.

In my mind I recalled the colour of his flesh, tanned and rippling with muscles already more defined than my own. My fingers were all over him, touching him as much as I could, everywhere I could, creating a map of him in my head, so I would remember his body forever. He was breathing deeply, his arms holding me tightly, as close to him as I could be without merging with him. we were in love then, madly, we were discovering the ability to hug each other without transforming, the security and warmth that was easily found within the arms of someone else.

My legs were wrapped around his waist, I sat in his lap my head on his shoulder. I remembered only fragments, and yet I also remembered every breath, sigh, gasp, thrust.

"I love you" I whispered to the empty room, as the low-lit scene played behind closed eyes. Eyes which were beginning to leak tears.

I tried to stop myself, too many tears had been shed over this, I had spent too many hours in the dark thinking of him, spent too many hours staring at candle burning hoping that he would walk into the room. Candles never glowed in the same way after him. I ran my fingers though my hair, trying to clear it from my face before the first tear fell, it was too late my cheeks were all too soon stained with tears that retraced the paths of those I had cried the night before, and the night before that, and before that.

I made no noise as I wept. I had become accustomed to suffering silently and secretly, it was not as easy as it used to be, living in a house with three other lively people, yet Hatori's visits always stirred up such emotions within me, they always made me miss him even when he was sat in front of me, and they always reminded me of how little I really meant to him.

I opened my desk draw, pulling from it a photograph of the three of us, Aya, Hatori, and myself, we stood proudly with linked arms, ready to go out and fight the world, happy, and truly together. The image disappeared behind another cloud of tears, our faces were obscured by the water falling from my eyes, there would be no end to this. No end to my need for him, and my loss of him.

Hatori had died in one sense of the word. His personality had become something so different from what it used to be, the old Hatori needed me, and knew he did. He needed Ayame, and so he kept us both close, he needed me that night we were together, to told me so himself.

Ayame didn't seem to feel the same loss I had. Of course he was acutely aware of a change in Hatori's behaviour, the whole family were, yet he was totally unaware of how the dragon had distanced himself away from everything, not just us, but the things that used to make him happy. The enigmatic Hatori smile had gone missing, his confidence had disappeared and his laugh was eternally lost.

I heard the door click open, voices from along the hall, they were home. Although I had never told them, they all bought the light into my life. I would go and see them soon. Spend time with them, listening to their arguments, to their thoughts on life, and to their inside jokes that I knew nothing about.

I slid the picture back inside my desk, locking the drawer as I stemmed my tears. Slowly they stopped, I looked in a mirror at my reddened eye calming very slowly, until I only looked tired.

I have many faults, I'm devious, I'm a gossip, I like to tease people, but my biggest fault of all is that I cannot let go of things I love. I have books from when I was a child, I have gifts from Ayame that I won't admit to keeping. I just cannot let go of him. there will always be a piece of me that cannot live without him.

I sighed, walking out of the door and into living again.

These thoughts were for me, and for me alone to witness, to the three people in my kitchen I would always be pervert Shigure, and I liked it that way, I liked the facade, it made existence a little more bearable for me. It meant I could exist.

***LOOK OUT FOR HOPE: is a photograph by a photographer called Robert Frank. It's a really powerful piece, so you might want to check it out. **


	2. Pale Blue Eyes

Here is the next chapter, not many people have read this one :( but please review if you like it.

I don't own fruits basket or 'pale blue eyes' by the velvet underground, and i don't make any money from this.

**Sometimes I feel so happy,  
Sometimes I feel so sad.  
Sometimes I feel so happy,  
But mostly you just make me mad.  
Baby, you just make me mad.  
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.  
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.**

Thought of you as my mountain top,  
Thought of you as my peak.  
Thought of you as everything,  
I've had but couldn't keep.  
I've had but couldn't keep.  
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.  
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

I sat alone in my kitchen. Momiji was out, I didn't know where, and I was too tired to worry. I looked around at the room, it seemed plastic in the artificial light of the buzzing incandescent light bulb. There was no reason for this, for any of it.

I had just returned from Shigure's house. We had not talked about much, just being around him for those few brief moments, half an hour, stopped my scars from aching only slightly. It was a small relief, but now I had left and I was absent of any company I felt worse than before. I was always like this, I went to see him because I needed him and I came away yearning instead of satisfied.

I looked down at the lit cigarette in my hand, it had burned to ash and was falling on the table in tiny crumbling cylinders. Ayame always told me my smoking would kill me. Here's for hoping.

I would have cried, I would have spilled my tears all night crying loudly, kicking and screaming, but I couldn't, I had lost my ability to do so years ago. I was worried that if I cried, I would blind myself even further. And so I had remained void of this for years, and it slowly built up and up. There would be no breaking point however, I could not allow that. I would wait, until there was some event in my life that allowed me to express myself. I knew that such an event would be a long time coming.

Sitting with Shigure, avoiding his eyes because I knew what they held, was hard. There was nothing I wanted more in the world than to wrap him in my arms and kiss him like I had done before, so many years ago, yet I was incapable.

I didn't want to let anyone near me. Didn't want to give in to my desire for him, because I knew the consequences if we were found out. I couldn't bear the thought of Akito destroying someone else I loved. My heart wouldn't take it. I really would die.

I knew that Ayame and Shigure still 'enjoyed' each other's company, and that they did so often. I had heard it, walked in on it, and pretended to be revolted by it. Truly it wounded me, I was jealous beyond belief. I tried my hardest not to be, but I was incredibly over-protective of them both. And I still wanted them in the way they wanted each other. My fear of being hurt stopped me from telling them this. Stopped me from spending the night at Shigure's on the rare occasion that he invited me.

He never invited me anymore.

I sighed, putting the cigarette out in the ash tray and immediately lighting another. I told myself to actually smoke this one. Although as soon as the first puff of smoke was in my lungs I had already forgotten it.

My mind was already in a different place. It was in his arms, as he tightly held me and pushed his way gently into me. We were young, I was submitting, back when I still knew how to, back when I wasn't afraid of my own shadow.

I remembered the pain, the sensation of being full. I missed that feeling, it was totally absent from me now, totally lost from me in every way except for memory.

There was a part of my that was willing myself to break through all of my fear, just force it to the back of my mind and go back to him, break his door down and lead him quickly to his room. But I knew I wouldn't let myself. My bravery would be short lived, and I would in fact stay here for the rest of the night.

I would not sleep tonight. I would be awake all night, a million thoughts running through my head, until I overloaded and passed out at the table. Momiji would find me again, he would wake me and show me to bed. And then he would go out and live his life.

He never questioned me and my obvious state of breakdown. I was thankful for this. He knew it too. He was a good boy.

I closed my eyes. Finally feeling a bit out of my own body. This was my escapism, just starving myself of sleep until I hallucinated. I knew it wasn't healthy, of course. And I knew I was doing myself far more damage than good. Yet I couldn't change things. She might blind me entirely if she found me to be in love with both Shigure and Ayame. She might blind us all. There was no way around this, I would never have him, not again.

My head pounded, felt like it was swelling beyond it's normal size. I needed painkillers. Being a doctor, I had stocks and stocks of them upstairs. Yet it seemed too far for me to drag myself.

I thought of Shigure again, I remembered the feel of his fingers upon my skin, running their way slowly all over me, touching every inch of my they could find, claiming me completely as his. In truth I had always been his, always belonged to him. there was a brief period of time where I was momentarily free of him, when I was with Kana. She was gone now though. Forever removed from me, and so, all I had was the memory of them both. I didn't see kana anymore and so slowly the recollection of her touch and of her presence was slowly dwindling into nothing. I still saw the dog every day. I still sat close enough to him to touch him, to pick up his scent, which had always intoxicated me. It was agony.

I looked up at the clock on the wall. I had barely been hone for half an hour, yet the minutes were creeping on so slowly that I was expecting the morning to spring from behind the clouds and for life to continue as normal, buzzing around me.

He would still be awake. I could make it back to his house before he retired to his study to write all night. I could go to him. just once.

I got to my feet quickly, having to steady my worried body for a moment, and then I realized what I was doing. I was fooling myself completely. I would never make it back to his house. With heavy and pained steps I walked to a drawer, pulling out a box of pills. They were low strength painkillers. I didn't like putting drugs into my system, but sometimes it was unavoidable.

Popping the round tablets from the blister packet, I held them tightly in my hand as if they would run away and then turned to get a glass of water. In doing so I caught sight of a figure in the entrance way. I was shaken, jumping visibly to whomever had entered my house, and my kitchen without my knowledge.

Momiji.

"hello" I groaned.

He looked saddened, his light heart heavy with worry.

"hi, ha-san."

"what's wrong?" I sounded a bit more like myself as I filled a glass from the tap.

"you don't look well" he was deeply concerned. This threw me a bit, he had never mentioned the state I get into every time I return from visiting before, it was a silent and unspoken rule, and he was breaking it.

"headache" I looked at him, he was growing up, he would be as beautiful as the rest of us, I felt deeply sorry for him.

"I know" he stopped, leaving the sentence hanging as if he was pondering it. "I know why you are so sad ha-san."

The glass slipped from my hand as smashed in to sparkling shards of the floor, they twinkled in 60watts of pure falseness.

He seemed undeterred.

"you should just take what you want ha-san. It will do you good."

His words terrified me, shook me to the point of near death.

"how do you know!?" I sounded rabid, like a wild animal that could not be tamed.

"you talk in your sleep" he smiled enigmatically. He had inherited that too.

"I know it isn't my place to tell you. So I won't say anymore. but he does love you."

Then he was gone. The growing Momiji was adult-like in such a way that I was scared. I knew I was getting old when he didn't bounce anymore, maybe he did, but maybe tonight he was just tired of seeing me as a car crash.

He was extraordinarily out of character, and for a minute, I stood, absorbing his words, wise beyond his years and sharp as the glass on the floor.

Walking around the remains of my headache cure, water, tablets, glass, I left the house without putting any shoes on, I only had time to snatch my car keys from the rack I had left them on.

**If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see,  
I'd put you in the mirror,  
I put in front of me.  
I put in front of me.  
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.  
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.**


	3. Gabriel

**here is the last chapter of this story... i think...i may open it back up again in the future. this gets kind of explicit...so count this as a warning! the song 'gabriel' by lamb is stunning, and may i suggest you listen to it whilst reading this? it's just perfect for this chapter. **

**so...let me know what you think. **

**i dont own fruits basket, or 'gabriel' by lamb, and i don't make any money from this. **

**X-v-X**

**I can fly  
But I want his wings  
I can shine even in the darkness  
But I crave the light that he brings  
Revel in the songs that he sings  
My angel Gabriel**

I can love  
But I need his heart  
I am strong even on my own  
But from him I never want to part  
He's been there since the very start  
My angel Gabriel  
My angel Gabriel

Even the air was empty. It felt like every breath I took echoed in the air around me, the room we infinite, and I, in the middle of it, was lost in my isolation. I laid looking up at the ceiling, I could make out vague shadows of the rafters above me. I secretly wished they would cave, crushing me in their wake. It was raining hard outside, the drops of water splashed against my window, reverberating around my train of thought, around my ponderings of hollowness.

They were all in bed, sleeping soundly I hoped, sleeping heavily so they wouldn't hear the storm. Winter was always so cruel, completely merciless. Earlier in the evening I had been worried about snow, now I was worried about drowning.

I sighed deeply, there was no room in my life for such adolescent infatuations, infatuations that should have disappeared with my teenage years, yet they hung on, clung to me like a disease, and they had grown into a love that was wounding me more than anything else.

I chastised myself. I was getting too old! I should have some control, and so I closed my eyes, I would force myself to sleep, just as I would force myself to wake in the morning, I would force myself to exist.

As I cleared my mind of everything, or Hatori in particular, I heard a screech of tyres from outside. It made me jump however I was slow to react, slow to move from my bed from fear, or maybe from comfort. Anything was possible. I had just shifted slightly to inspect who had most probably torn my gravel up along my drive when something hit my window, creating a louder noise than it should of. This too shook me wildly, I had watched too many horror films.

I stood, wandering cautiously to said window, trying to keep as far back as possible lest anything smash through it and knock me into next week. Another thing, now identifiable as gravel tapped the glass, I almost leapt back, but forced myself forwards, it was probably Kyo, he always ended up locked out. peering as best I could through the heavy rain I picked out a drenched white shirt, soaked black trousers and a pair of white socks. It was Hatori.

As quickly as was humanly possible I switched a lamp on. The pebbles stopped coming. Opening they window I leant out.

"haa-san! What are you doing! Have you seen yourself? Were you mugged?" it's a strange thing that one can both whisper and shout at the same time.

"let me in" he was sobbing, it was hard for me to detect, but it seemed so.

"wait there" I closed the window firmly, my hair was damp from just leaning out, he would be soaked.

I stopped at the bathroom to pick up a towel as I went down to accept him through the door. the locks came undone quickly, and as I creaked the door slowly open, he appeared before me.

His hair was dripping, stuck to his face in a way I hadn't seen since we used to swim together in the lakes. His clothes stuck to him, defining his shape clearly, his usual tie was gone, and of course, he was wearing no shoes.

"what happened?!"

He ignored my question and stepped in through the door, brining water in with him.

"where are they?" he sounded accusing.

"who?"

"Yuki, Tohru, Kyo?"

"they're in bed. Haa-san Wh-" he stopped me. With a force I had never seen in him before he pushed me brutally against the wall pinning my shoulders there as he forced a vicious kiss upon my lips. He tasted of rain and tears, of madness and need. He breathed into me, his air entering my lungs. he pushed against me, his hard body keeping me where I belonged, soaking through my night Yukata. His tongue forced its way into my mouth, exploring, tangling with mine.

Once he was confident I would not escape, he let his hands drop to the belt at my waist, lazily tied with the prospect of sleeping in it. He tore at it, pulling it undone like he could not wait. In truth he really could not. The Yukata fell open at the front I was exposed to him, and he looked down at me, at my body that he knew too well, and that he had been obviously missing.

He was calm suddenly, taking me in with long breaths that could be described as sighs. His damp hand, shivering with cold reached out to touch my stomach. I jumped, he was like ice. It caused my hair to stand on end, my knees tremble and my eyes to roll into the back of my head.

I still held the towel, as if it would disappear if I dropped it.

"what's wrong?" I was gasping, the brutality of his kiss had shocked me, my face and chest was flushed my heart was erratically pounding deep inside me.

"what do you mean?" he groaned, his voice was croaking, he was still crying and he seemed in no state to stop.

"why are you here? Why are you doing...this?" I couldn't think, there was something desperately unusual about this situation that I was almost on the verge of tears myself.

"i-i j-just can't" he bellowed. "I just can't do this....anymore"

Seeing him like this, so broken from his limitations in such a crumbling state shocked me. All of his control, his poise, his stoic persona had completely slipped.

I handed him the towel, but he didn't take it, and so, laying it on the stairs, I started to unbutton his shirt. I took my time, I had to be gentle, he was like a deer, if I moved too quickly he would run, bolt, and I would not see him for dust. Water from his hair, his jaw and his collar was dripping on my hands running up to my wrists. I finally finished unbuttoning the shirt, and leaving it hanging open, leaving his shimmering body in the warm hues of the incandescent bulbs of the hallway, I lead him upstairs, bringing the plush towel with me.

I gently held his hand, guiding him to follow me, allowing his heavy footsteps to be heard my whomever should be awake. He had come undone, such a rare state for him to be in, and so I was careful with him, I knew him to be frail. My door stood open as I had left it, my lamp glowed from inside and it had never seemed so inviting to me before. He entered behind me. This was the first time he had ever been inside my room since I had moved into this house. He looked around, taking in his surroundings, he caught sight of himself in my full length mirror and stared for a while. Maybe he was surprised by what he saw, by the state of himself. or maybe he had recognised some kind of life from within himself. I couldn't say, it was always impossible to know what he was thinking.

He closed the door quietly. We knew what we were going to do, what was going to happen between us, however we didn't talk about it. We had no words for each other at the moment.

It was clear what he wanted and I was more than willing to oblige. There are various times in life when one should consider the moral implications of what they are about to do. This was one of them. But my own need, my own longing for him had far overtaken every moral fibre in my body.

He just stood there, looking like a wounded puppy, how fitting. I walked toward him, peeling his shirt from his shoulders, it clung tightly around his wrists and so I lovingly unbuttoned his cuffs, allowing the dripping wet specimen to drop to the floor.

His smooth skin was damp, wet in places. His hair still dripped, droplets ran slowly down his chest over his rippling muscles. He was still highly defined, he always had been, his shoulders were strong, scarily so. He had changed so much since I last saw him like this. My hands found their way to his chest, touching him as he had me, testing to see if he was real. I don't know whether I was happy or scared when I realized that Hatori, my haa-san, had gotten into his car, in the pouring rain with no shoes or coat on, no doubt driven to my house like a lunatic, haphazardly parked his car loud enough for everyone back at the main house to have heard it, threw stones at my window, broken down on my doorstep and nearly molested me in my own porch way. It would be a severe understatement to say I was surprised.

My wispy touches maddened him, his breathing increased, his tears stopped from what I could see, and he stared me deep into the eyes. He stepped forward slightly so my hands were fully against him, so I was touching him instead of teasing him. they began to move of their own accord, gliding upwards along his chest, running lightly over his throat I wanted to taste him there, touch him over every inch of his body in case this was the last chance I got, in case he came to his senses and I was left all alone, the dumped teenage girl crying on her bed.

I stepped closer, finding his lips and kissing him chastely. I loved every millimetre of him, yet I could not tell him. not yet. His lips were still wet from rain and no doubt still damp with tears, but I didn't care. I head the back of his head, gently snaking my tongue into his mouth, tasting him properly. His arms were static, unsure of what to do with themselves. But they found their way, they wrapped around me, pulling my Yukata off of my shoulders. It pooled at my elbows, I would not let it drop yet. His cold hand were all over me, along my spine, around to my front over my stomach, he always did like my stomach. I moved my kisses, lower and lower first to his jaw, then to his neck and lastly to his collarbone. You never forget how to pleasure someone who you love wholeheartedly, no matter how long it's been since you last encountered each other.

His knees quaked beneath him, he shivered, this always drove him mad. Without warning I bit him hard, my slightly elongated canines almost breaking his skin. For the first time he moaned out loud, gasping through his newly replenished tears. His nails dug into my back scratching hard. This in turn made me moan, I mewled leaning my body against him for support breaking the connection I had with him through his neck. He awakened something in me then. Reminding me of why I loved him so much, so distantly, and so enduringly. It also reminded me of why I had desired him so much, why that one time we had been together had stayed with me for so long, and how I never seemed sated after him. I let my Yukata drop to the floor, forgotten in the midst of a long suppressed passion.

For many years I had thought he had erased his own memories of me, but now I knew he was suffering as much as I. That he was lost in his thoughts of me too, and now we were going to find each other. He grabbed my shoulders again pushing me backwards to my bed on the floor, I settled to the ground beneath him and he loomed over me, a heavy protecting force that I was more than happy to be under. He settled between my legs, his hair although drying was still damp still dripping in places, and as I ran my hand through it, to sweep it from his face it clumped together revealing his damaged eye. He jolted, not knowing what else to do but panic. He went to move away. But I caught his hand.

"it's ok. It's ok." I whispered, comforting him and reminding him that there was no way on earth I could ever find him ugly. He still seemed unsettled, but he didn't move away anymore, he trusted me. I cupped his jaw in my hand, making sure he looked me in the eye as I leant up to kiss him again.

It was a gentle one, more of reassurance than of passion. He needed to know that I wanted him, madly, more than anything else in the world, and the remnants of Akito's rage would not stop that. he broke the kiss and looked me up and down, analysing the changes in me, in my strength and form, how I had grown, aged and developed. He did this the first time we were together, the first and only. I would have squirmed under such scrutiny in any other kind of situation, but I could tell from the look in his eye that he liked what he saw. That I pleased him, this made me harden between my legs. I liked to think that I was desirable to someone, that the person I was going to sleep with wanted me as much as I wanted him.

"ohhhh....god" he groaned.

My heart sank to my stomach. Had he just realised what he was doing? Was he regretting it? I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the look of disgust in his eyes when he recognised me beneath him. but he didn't. He didn't suddenly become disgusted with me. He didn't look at me like I was the reason he was in such a state, even though I was, instead, he looked at me with love. For the first time since kana, love.

Leaning on just one of his hands, he ran the other along my side. It tickled and I tried to wriggle away with a smile, but there was no mutual grin from him. instead he gripped my hip hard, he held me to the duvet beneath me making sure I would stay where I was put.

"haa-san!" I sounded like my usual self, I sounded real. But he didn't answer, didn't laugh.

I stopped, assuring him that I wouldn't try to escape again, and so he continued. He slipped deliberately from his knees to lay on top of me, My steadily hardening length coming into contact with his through his trousers. I gasped, there was no going back now. his eyes closed, reassuring me that he felt it too, fisting his hands into the sheets he gained a better position angling himself so that when he next moved, he would come into contact with me again.

Without warning there came his first thrust, the fabric of his trousers smooth against my bare skin, sensitising me until I felt weak. My toes curled and my arms flew around him, embracing him tightly. To him, it must have seemed strange to have arms around him when the only human contact he got on a daily basis was examining patients.

His movements from that point on were awkward, he was becoming impatient, he needed release badly, and he couldn't get it wearing trousers. this could go two ways, I could help him along, could shift position slightly and let him enter me, let him finish quickly, or I could drag it out a little, make sure we both really experience it, if I could get away with it.

I slid my hands to his lower body stopping when they met his waistband, I slipped them round to his front, halting for a moment at his belt buckle, making sure there were no signs of panic readable upon his face.

I was safe for the moment, all I saw was exhaustion, I saw him fighting to keep his strength, and I would sap it even further in time. The belt came easily undone, it's buckle clinking quietly as I shifted it aside to find the button that kept him from me. Trousers were alien to me, I wore them very rarely, and I never took them off of someone else, after all, Ayame's outfits were wide and varied, yet they were never comprised of anything even vaguely resembling trousers.

It appeared there were no buttons, but poppers instead. This surprised me, momentarily throwing me off, but I was back on form within seconds, and he was undone, I reached down inside, thinking I'd find some form of underwear, but I instead found nothing. For the first time that night he smiled at me, and I couldn't help but beam back at him broadly, ever ready, that's what he was.

I found his hardness, swollen against the constrictions of his clothing, and I began to stroke it, slowly, maddeningly so that he would only get a taste of what was to come, so that I could be what I was good at, and that was a tease. His chest heaved as he lifted himself away from me slightly, allowing me more room to caress him. but there would be no quickening of strokes, I would not let him have me that easy. He once again rested only on one of his arms, holding himself unsteadily above me, as he pushed at his trousers down awkwardly, I leant to the side slightly to watch as more and more flesh appeared, even in the dark hues of the room, I could appreciate the warm tan of his skin. He swapped hands and was finally able to free himself of the constriction, they fell to his knees.

This was my cue.

We were reliving moments past and I hoped that he remembered what came next.

I sat up, kissing him as I moved, he understood, he recalled as I did that it was his turn to lie on the floor. Out swapping of places was intimate, we never lost contact we were always connected, whether it was through mouth or body, we were never away from each other.

And now, we were closer than ever, I could feel the heat coming off him, it was almost in waves, warm skin against warm skin, an understanding that we could not reach in any other way. A few minutes ago he was the protector, now, he was the utterly protected.

A kiss was passed between us, passionate, smothering in its intensity it was over quickly, my tongue was lathing its way along his body, my lips kissed parts of him that had not been exposed to foreign eyes in years, I nipped at his collarbones, loving his jolts of pain and pleasure combined underneath me.

I reached his nipples, my teeth instinctively biting at them lightly, making him gasp out loud. The most private part of me twitched in anticipation of how loud those gasps would get. I pulled the left one into my mouth, lavishing affection upon it, sucking it, pulling on it gently. I loved the taste of him. it was something completely indescribable, something like a mixture of natural water and tobacco, but with something else too. His scent infected me, made me feel dizzy, but I continued, moving lower still.

I traced my tongue around his belly button, kissing his stomach, and finding his hipbones, I always loved hipbones. I bit at the skin I found there, and his hands jumped to my hair, pulling it, making me moan and clamp my teeth down harder. It was a viscous circle, he would pull harder, and I would viciously nip at him.

In a moment of slight lucidity I reached down to take him into my hand, he was larger than the last time, his desire was stronger, and as I stroked him once again, all of the muscles I was biting on tensed and flexed.

I was cruel, I left him suddenly, left him laid on my bed, blushing over his pure expanses of skin. Debauchery personified. This was all about control, it always had been, he had lost it, and I had taken it from him, he was now putty in my hands. Literally.

I lifted one of his legs, grasping him by the shin, I came in close to him and kissed the back of his knee, he jolted, but I kept a tight hold on him and moved further up the back of his leg, making my way up to his muscular thigh, his arm flew across his eyes, this was embarrassing him and he didn't want to see what I was doing to him. it was fine with me, there was something else that could tell me he was enjoying it, of course.

I was still nervous, still worried I would scare him away, but I couldn't stop, I had thought this incident through a million times in my head and the prospect of passing it by was unthinkable to me.

Hatori was a strange creature to me, he was easily abashed by things, yet he would always find a way of telling you what he wanted, like a dog asking for a walk, how appropriate.

He shifted his nervous legs apart. It was an awkward movement, yet a bold one, and so I said nothing, I just got on with it. Leaning to a drawer across the room, I bought forth a bottle of lubricant. Guilt spiked me momentarily as I thought of Ayame for the first time, I had to shake it away though, I could have Aya whenever I wanted him, this may never happen again.

Quietly, I emptied a little of it onto my fingers and with my other hand, I began to touch him lightly in a place he had only ever let me, to my knowledge. He bit his lip turning it a deep red colour. It struck me then, how most of the colours of sex were red, it seemed odd to me that such an act could be in monochrome.

I replaced my dry hand with my lubricated fingers, and began to press onto his tight ring of muscle with a bit more force. His mouth opened and a soft and steady flow of air attacked his lungs, I wouldn't do anything more until he asked me.

My fingers flitted over and over the same spot, he writhed, to the untrained eye, he would look as if he was in excruciating pain, I knew otherwise, this was not agony, it was desperation. This carried on for as long as I was willing to wait, and so, I took my hand away. As soon as we broke contact, his arm lifted and he looked at me with fury in his reddened eyes.

I smiled at him, fully aware of the fact that he wasn't in any kind of condition to move, or punch me. I sat back on my knees, getting more of the lubricant, I knew without even having to consider it how much I needed. He would never forget this.

Shifting position I sat on the floor, my legs wide spread and bended at the knee, I leant back on my hand, exposing everything that I kept private. If I was any normal person, I would have been embarrassed, but I am Shigure Sohma, and I do live up to my reputation sometimes. I spread the cold gel between my legs, the temperature making me jump. I was used to this kind of thing, and so I wasted no time in slipping a finger inside myself, I gasped, stretching around my digit. He watched intently propping himself up on his elbows. I slid steadily in and out of myself, closing my eyes and lolling my head back as I basked in the sensation of being watched. One finger became two, it was uncomfortable, but I liked this kind of discomfort.

I opened my eyes, he was licking his lips, edging closer to me whether he knew he was doing it or not was a different matter. I ran my free hand over myself, touching my ever sensitising skin giving myself Goosebumps. His expression changed, he was wordlessly questioning me. 'is it ok?'

I nodded at him, slowly pulling my fingers out, watching him, watching me.

He crawled forwards, this was going to be brutal. I braced myself, he had a lot of emotion pent up within him, and this was going to be his time to vent it. I could feel the heat emanating off of him as he placed himself between my legs. He took himself in his hand and positioned himself at my entrance, he eased himself inside me, millimetre by millimetre, it burned, it ached and it was almost too much. I groaned out loud, winded by the sensation of being full. He was definitely more gifted than the average man, and I had not prepared myself properly.

I felt light headed as he buried the last of himself within me. My arms were quaking struggling to keep my upper body where it was, I would have to lie back soon. He looked at my, deep into my eyes.

"ok?" he gasped, he sounded as if he was hyperventilating.

"o-ok" I repeated.

He was slow as he pulled out, gentle, with the touch of a doctor he laid me back onto my bed, making sure I was comfortable. And then, with an unanticipated shove, he re-entered me again. We both cried out loud, we would be heard, but there was no way of silencing ourselves now. he repeated his move, this time it was easier on me, the delicious pain was turning into an even more gratifying pleasure, a warmth deep inside me. He did not close his eyes, not like last time. He now watched me, watched every line in my face, every reaction to his intrusion. I can't fully explain his expression, only that it was similar to intense concentration. His wounded eye, still enormously scarred watched me too, I wondered what it saw, if anything. His thrusts sped in their rhythm our sighs became loud moans, our moans cries. I held onto his shoulders, grasping at him. he pressed his forehead to mine, he was now a blur, too close, but I could still hear him, hear the slurred formation of words under his ever shortening breath.

"I love you" at first it was just a sigh, but then it became a mantra. "I love you, I love you, I love you, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou" he was hurting me, his thrusts too brutal, too deep, but I wanted it.

He began to cry, his tears running down his face as it contorted with his orgasm, he came deep inside me, allowing me to be his, just for tonight. Collapsing upon me he sobbed, there would be no climax for me tonight, but I lost interest in that quickly. I just held him in my arms, soothing his hair, reminding him of the compassion that could be felt through touch.

I ached, my breath stifled by his weight, I didn't move him however, he moved himself, pulling us both onto our sides. He wrapped himself tightly around me, sobbing into my chest.

"Shigure" he sounded wounded, devastated.

"it's ok. It's all ok" I pulled a blanket over us.

"I'm so sorry"

"for what?"

He didn't answer for a while, I thought he had drifted into sleep. Yet my reply came:

"for everything. I'm just, so sorry" he whispered, vulnerable, weak, and at my mercy. Hatori was never like this, not if he could help it. The truth is though, there is a weakness within us all, he is mine and there is nothing I can do about it. Forever in my heart, I held him close to me, I cradled him, precious, and for all I knew fleeting, but in one way or another, always, always, always mine.

**Bless the day he came to be  
Angel's wings carried him to me  
Heavenly  
I can fly  
But I want his wings  
I can shine even in the darkness  
But I crave the light that he brings  
Revel in the songs that he sings  
My angel Gabriel  
My angel Gabriel  
My angel Gabriel**


End file.
